Monday, February 9, 2009

My First Sexual Experience

I had my first gambling and sexual experience on the same day. I was eight years old. My grandfather took me and my mother to Hollywood Park. My grandfather loved gambling on the ponies. My mother loved finding celebrities. My grandfather showed me how to handicap, a skill I immediately and innately understood, a skill that stimulated an instinctual sense of excitement within me, an excitement about predicting the future and making money doing it.

Then, suddenly, my mother cried out: "I see Joe Dimaggio!"

She dragged me to the spot he was sitting, but Joe wasn't here; he had gone to make a bet, I guess. In his place, there sat a blond woman. A strange feeling stirred me, one that later influenced my life drastically. I don't remember if I actually had an erection. But I do vividly recall this blond woman, the attractive force that overcame everything I was experiencing.

Marilyn was something special even to an eight year old.

I started in spiritual work when I was nine. I was walking home from Hebrew School. At the time, I had been having terrible nightmares. My Rabbi had introduced me to the All Powerful Being, the Big Man looking down on me, judging everything I was doing. I was sensitive, and I was very attracted to the idea of an unseen world that ruled our life, even though it initially scared me. It was a dark winter night. I was kicking an icicle on the pavement, entirely afraid of the Being up in the sky looking down on me. Then, for some unexplainable reason, I had this sensation: the Being, I knew, was good and all-powerful. There was nothing to worry about.

I began thinking about money a little later in my life, probably after I had gotten a girl pregnant after knowing her for one day. Nine months later, I looked at her and my one week old baby, sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the one room apartment we were renting in Queens.

That was over thirty years ago.

Since that time I have studied business, gambling, sex, and spiritual work with the idea of formulating a unified theory that might enable me to survive in this chaotic world.

I thought I might share some of my findings.

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