My Father's Passing

My father died Oct. 18 2009. He was 97. In one sense, there is sadness in his passing, but for the most part my family, especially my sister and mother, were relieved of the burden of watching him suffer. He had a good life, a very good life. It was only in the last two years, and mostly in the three months leading to his death, that he lost his spirit to live and wasn't happy. I'm sure anyone would be more than satisfied with over 90 years of health and happiness.

I didn't fully appreciate my father until I was 45. At the time, he was 80. I remember the moment it hit me that I wasn't going to change his thinking and that I needed to accept him as he was. It was from then on that I began to see his positive qualities. There are those who would attribute his longevity to genetic factors. I'm sure that his biological machine did have an effect on his long life. But his emphasis on moderation in all things, watching his weight, daily exercise, positive thinking and most of all trying to improve himself each day were all influential on the quality and length of his life.

I had been preparing myself for the last six months to write this blog about the death of my father. My initial thoughts were that I would take the lead from Camus who started his novel, THE STRANGER: "my mother died today". However I have not written my blog for a number of months so this was not appropriate. Mostly though, the impetus for Camus' opening line and the point of view of his book was the expression of his existential philosophy. What Camus believed was that life had no ultimate meaning except for the enjoyment and awareness of the moment. Although, I cannot say that I know life's purpose I have not given up on the possibility that there is a bigger picture that I have not yet discovered.

There was a time in my life when my philosphical leanings were existential, when it seemed to me that life was basically absurd and that what was important was to make the best of it. Although my father was not a religious man and did not believe in God or in life after death he did have a spiritual side which sustained and nurtured him. It was his belief in the importance of self development and living each day with the goal of taking care of yourself and being kind to others, especially his wife and family that I believe was instrumental in creating the positive and productive life he lived.

There was meaning to my father's life. The existential philosophy would not apply to him. As his son, and as different as I have been in many of my thoughts and actions, I cannot deny the respect that he had from all those who came to know him and the success he had in navigating life's difficulties. This has impacted me greatly. It is really a gift I have been given. I want to thank my father for this gift. I would like to pass it down to my children, my family, my friends, and to any one else who is concerned about the dificult conditions we are facing in today's world.

The Passing of Cousin Marvin

My mother just called me to tell me that my cousin Marvin will be dead tonight. They had just pulled the plugs that were keeping him alive . Although he was still breathing, she said he would be dead before the night was over. This was not a surprise. He fell down a couple of days ago, hit his head, was rushed to the hospital, and had been in a coma with no chance of recovery since the accident. It was his wish that he not be kept alive if he could not live normally.

I loved and respected my cousin. He was an inspiration to me when I was young. He was idolized by my father who considered Marvin one of the smartest guys in America. The story in our family was that he had the fourth highest IQ of any soldier in World War II. He was a lawyer, a movie producer, and ultimately a college professor. He introduced me to Clarence Darrow, one his heroes who ultimately became one of mine. He seemed to know everything about history, politics, and literature, and was a great story teller with literally thousands of stories. He could talk, and usually did for hours, about his time in Japan after the War, his days as an entertainment lawyer, and what it was like growing up in my family during the depression in Newark New Jersey.

He told me about my Uncle Izzy who was a gambler and street person and was always surrounded by beautiful women until he died at age 100. He spoke of my Aunt Fanny who also lived to a 100 Marvin's mother, my Aunt Pauline died at 102. Marvin was only 85 when he died, but he was active until the last day of his life. One of his problems and one of his strengths was that he never complained no matter what was bothering him physically or emotionally. He fell because he did not take his walker with him to a restaurant he was going to with a friend. He felt he was OK and didn't need it. He was the youngest 85 year old person you could possibly know, mainly because he never accepted that he was old.

One of the things that interested me most about him was that he was an atheist who did not consider the existence of God as even possible. Yet he was constantly reading and studying books about Judaism and his best friends were a female congregational minister, and a Muslim women who followed the teachings of the Aga Khan. His second wife who died before him, was a religious Catholic from the Phillipines. For many years with his wife and later with his friends he attended Church on a regular basis. When I questioned him about it he said it was no big deal, although I suspected that he was a little more open than he admitted.

He was a true intellectual, a student and a teacher. Most of those who knew him marvelled at his wealth of knowledge and his unlimited stories. As smart as he was though, and he was really smart he seemed to lose all of his logic when it came to gambling. For the last twenty years of his life, what he primarily wanted to talk to me about were his gambling theories. For the past five years he had been working on a baseball betting system that he believed would make him and me rich. He would call me every few days with an update on his results. He bet every game every day. He spent a couple of days a week at OTB betting the ponies. He actually gave me a tip last year on a horse that won at 9-1. I shared it with my friend Marty who won $1500.00 on the race and was every grateful to Cousin Marvin.

For some reason, I'm not sad at his passing. He had a tough life in many ways but was able to deal with all kinds of problems and bounce back from many different setbacks. He was optimistic and seemed to enjoy himself up until his last days. I guess you can't ask for much more.

Questionable Benefits of Chaos

My life has been a little hectic lately. Not that I mind. I thrive on chaos. I actually specialize in creating confusion and mayhem. I used to do it naturally without even thinking. This changed though when I became involved in the Fourth Way. This is a teaching whose basic principle is that we are very mechanical in our actions and thoughts. We need to break through the chains of our habits if we want to develop ourselves and become more conscious. When I started studying this philosophy I interpreted this to mean that any actions that create discomfort and change are good. Chaos was actually a preferred state. I embraced this wholeheartedly. My tendency to create upheaval was no longer a liability. I could now do it and rationalize that it was helping everyone around me.

Sometimes though it gets a little out of hand. I think this is what's going on in my life now. First of all we have had guests at our house nonstop. This is not necessarily bad. Matter of fact we bought our beach house so that people would want to come and visit us. We figured it would be a way that we could attract our kids and grandkids. The problem is that we did not realize how much effort it takes to constantly entertain We also did not expect the amount of people that would be coming and the length of time they would be staying.

My daughter has been down three times in the last six weeks. Each time she has called to tell me she would be coming down with a friend to relax. Each time she showed up with a minimum of four friends and each time within 24 hours at least 2-3 additional friends or their boy friends showed up. For the most part they behaved reasonably except they were up all night, usually getting to bed by 6 am and sleeping most of the day. Plus most of them smoke. I love my daughter and enjoy spending time with her and really don't want to limit her enjoyment and feeling that this is her house also.

My friend Marty visited us also a couple of weeks ago. He stayed eight days. I love being with him and arguing about politics and life but after a while it does wear me down. He smokes two packs a day, talks non-stop in an extremely loud voice, and is constantly critical of me. I still felt badly when he left.

My step-daughter in law and her sister showed up a few days ago, Both darling girls. They decided they wanted to go out at night and asked us if we would watch our grandson. They said he would be no problem. He had just been fed, diaper changed and was expected to sleep the night. They went out around 11:30. At 11:45 he was up and crying. He cried for over an hour straight. He then seemed to get a burst of energy and was crawling all over, getting into one dangerous situation after another. My wife and I were exhausted. It was 2:00 in the morning. Our normal bedtime is 10:00. This is what grandparents do, though. Plus our daughter-in-law doesn't have it easy and deserves a break whenever she can get it.

Although I am effected by all this activity, it is my wife who bears the brunt of it. She feels compelled to keep the house neat and make sure everyone is fed and enjoying themselves. Last night was the first night in a while there was no one here. She went to bed early to catch up on some much needed sleep. I stayed downstairs to catch up on episodes of Entourage and True Blood.

When I finally decided to go to bed I couldn't find the remote. I literally spent 45 minutes looking for it. Finally, since I did not know how to turn off the tv, I went upstairs to ask for my wife's help. I had to wake her up. Her first comment was, "your're a moron." I didn't take it personally. She did go downstairs and found the remote in some hidden, almost invisible part of the chair, although she probably would say it was more obviously visible.

My theory of the benefits of chaos is being tested now. I may have to moderate it somewhat.

Thoughts on Meditation

Someone who read my blog asked me a question about meditation. I think I'll use today's blog to give some of my thoughts on this subject. First of all, from my experience, meditation is very useful. I believe meditation saved my life.

I was in a car accident. A volkwagon bug I was driving was broadsided, although it probably was my fault since I pulled out into a four lane highway without paying full attention. Unfortunately, meditation didn't help my driving. I have a vague recollection of being in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. What I remember is that I was repeating my mantra while I was unconscious. After surgery, that removed my spleen, the doctor visited me in the intensive care unit to see how I was doing. He told me that I was very lucky. It seems that I had not lost as much blood as the degree of my injury would have indicated.

Meditation slows down your heart rate, breathing, and blood flow. I believe that after I had been hit I automatically slipped into my meditation mode. I think that this helped reduce my blood loss and saved my life. I really believe it. Why would I have automatically started meditating at this crucial moment? Maybe some self-preservation instinct kicked in. I'm not positive, but I always was thankful that I had been meditating at this time in my life.

There are definite scientifically proven physical, psychological, and spiritual benefits from meditation. Plus, when you meditate you begin to actually experience a state of being that is a doorway towards a new level of consciousness. What was once theoretical and a topic for discussion becomes tangible. There is a big difference between reading, studying, and talking about spiritual work and doing it.

I meditated twice a day for twenty minutes for ten years. I hardly missed a day. It drove my wife crazy because no matter where I was or what I was doing I would take time out to meditate. This is the most important part of meditation, the discipline to do it for an extended period of time.

Meditation is not complicated. There is nothing especially difficult about doing it one time. It is difficult to do it conscientiously every day for years and years. There are those who make it sound like it is an inaccessible practice available for the holy of the holy. This is not true. Anyone can learn to meditate in five minutes.

There are different forms of meditation. If you are serious about learning meditation, I would recommend learning Transcendental Meditation. This is very simple and easily accessible. All the religious accoutrements that may be attached to it are irrelevant. Matter of fact, check out http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/stressmanagement/a/relresp.htm to get the basic principles of TM.

Other good sources for learning about meditation are anything by Joel Goldsmith, especially "The Art of Meditation" and the "The Infinite Way." Chapter two in "Kaballah and Jewish Mysticism" by Perle Besserman may also be helpful.

I have taught the basic principles of meditation to many people throughout my life.
The only one who actually used them was my father who is an atheist and doesn't beliieve in anything mystical. Meditation is not a serious thing. It is not a heavy thing meant for those who are spiritual or religious. It is a practical tool for those who want to enjoy life, have more energy, like to travel (to different physical and mental places), and are willing to put some effort into self development. I would recommend it highly.

"You too, Norman"

There aren't many couples in old age homes. I hope this changes in the future, but right now most of the people are single and the large majority are women. I'm not sure whether this means that women are stronger or that life takes a greater toll on men. It's probably a combination of both. I have been observing life in the slow lane at my parents' retirement hotel for the last few days. It truly is another world--one, if we're lucky, we'll experience, too.

In one sense growing old is the great equalizer. No matter what you have accomplished in your life, or how much money you have, when you can't take care of yourself, or get around without help, we are all the same. As we lose our physical abilities life is less about the material world, and more about what is going on inside our head.

Actually this is the way it always is, but it takes growing older before we can fully appreciate this fact. This is the great secret of life. Most of us never truly recognize that the reality of our lives is not outside of ourselves but within our minds, and hopefully, our consciousness. We create the reality of our lives by our thoughts. The quicker we uncover this secret the easier and more productive our lives can become.

There are advantages to being young. No question about this. There are also advantages to being old. Less is expected of you. There is nothing to prove. This enables you to be more honest with yourself and others. There is a freedom when you're only requirement is to get through the day. You don't have to wait until you are old to get these advantages. I think this is the meaning of the statement "youth is wasted on the young."

My sister and I have been discussing how to reduce my parents monthly expenses. One of the options is to move them to another retirement facility. My mother is constantly complaining about the one they are in, so moving them might be reasonable. I asked them if they have any friends. It seems they have one couple whom they consider friends.

I asked them, "How much time do you spend with this couple?"

My mother replied, "We eat with them every day. We've been doing this for over a year. I enjoy speaking to the woman. She is a Zionist and believes that Obama is bad for the Jews. Sometimes she gets on my nerves."

I then turned to my father and asked him, "Do you like her husband?"

"Oh, yes, he is very smart, also."

"What do you talk about?"

"We have the same exact conversation every day. It hasn't changed the whole time we've been together. Mommy and his wife do all the talking."

I then asked, "Do you eat with them three meals a day?"

My father answered, "Yes, although mommy and the wife don't get down to breakfast. It's just me and Norman. We spend an hour together."

I wondered what this conversation could be like. "And what do you guys talk about?"

My father said, "It's the same every day. He says to me after breakfast, 'Have a good day, Maury.' That's it."

"And what do you say?"

"You too, Norman."

I said, "That's it, Dad? That's all you have said to each other for over a year. How do you know he's smart?"

He said, "Yep, that's it. I say only three words. He says five."

That's their friendship, the same eight words each day. I keep thinking about that. I'm not sure what to make of it.

A Day with my Parents

I am laying in bed now in Sherman Oaks California in a motel next door to my parents' assisted living facility. I spent the day looking for a new place for them to live. The fundamental problem is that they are running out of money. They presently have $45,000.00. This is the remainder of the money they got for selling their house four years ago.

They bought this house when my father was 81 years old. It was the first house they ever owned. The only reason they bought it was because the apartment they were living in was destroyed by the Northridge earthquake. They had never considered buying a house but the government gave earthquake victims the opportunity to buy homes with no money down and 2% interest. They paid $156,000.00 for the home and sold it for $420,000,00.

They have an income of $7000.00 per month.

Their monthly expenses are $10,000.00. $5600.00 of this is for their room and board. $4400.00 is for the full time care my father needs in order to get through the day. They are eating into their savings at a rate of $3000.00 per month. They have 15 months more before they will be broke. My father will be 97 in August. my mother 90 in November. My sister and I have been discussing this situation, trying to figure out what to do.

My parents have been married for 67 years, The secret to their success is that my father has devoted his life to making my mother happy. I am not recommending this as the key to marital success; just stating what has worked for them. The truth is that my father really does not care where they live. His only concern, even now, is what my mother wants.

My mother is not sure what she wants. She complains about their present living conditions. She feels it is being run by a large corporation that doesn't care about the residents. They never get the food right and are constantly nickle and diming them with extra fees and charges. She wasn't happy with any of the other places we looked at. The elevator was too far from their room. There was no sink in the kitchen to wash dishes, although she doesn't wash dishes. The atmosphere was not quite right. My father couldn't care less about any of this.

I don't want my mother to sound like the bad guy here; it is only because of her that my father chooses to live. I have been watching him carefully for the last two days. It seems that the only thing that is keeping him alive is his desire to please my mother. The whole thing is a little sad.

It does make me wonder about the meaning and purpose of life. What's interesting though is that my father doesn't wonder about it at all. He just tries his best each day to do the right things. He seems to care very little about his own personal situation. He is thrilled to see me, though. When I kissed him goodby tonight his face lit up. That was a special moment. It made me happy. Maybe that's all there is.

Reservations and the Internet

I just finished a two hour ordeal making plane, hotel, and car reservation for a trip to California I will take in a couple of weeks. My sister had called me and said my father was getting weaker, that I should come visit as soon as possible. I must admit: It might have been easier if money had been no object. However, I was trying to save money. I complicated the process because I wanted to use American Express points to pay for the airline ticket.

I generally do not shop for anything on the Internet. I have bought a few books from Amazon, but other than travel I can't think of any other purchases I've made. I am not an enthusiastic shopper. I've noticed there are people who love to shop, who get a real high from spending money. Not me. I look at shopping as a chore; I try to complete it as quickly as possible.

What was especially annoying about this process was a little glitch I did not consider before I started making my reservations. I logged on to the American Express website, entered my arrival and departure airport, and times, and then waited for all the best choices and costs to appear. My first attempt I screwed up because I forgot to enter 2 adults. I had to start over.

The second attempt went a little smoother. I entered everything correctly; then, when asked to pay, I clicked Pay By Points and was directed to another page. I completed all the information on that page (which it seemed to me they should have already had) and then clicked "complete transaction." An error message appeared saying that the transaction could not be completed.

I was starting to feel a little irritated, but I was determined to get this done. I went back and did the entire process again and received the same error message. I called American Express to find out the problem. I explained to the women what had happened; she said I might not have enough credit on my card. I told her I was paying by points, so it shouldn't matter. She said she doesn't handle the "Rewards Program," so she would transfer me to the right department.

I then explained to the women in the "Rewards" department what had happened. Here I found the glitch. It seems that the reservation you book is only available for a short period of time. If you don't finalize the deal within a certain period it may no longer be available. The process of using your points takes a longer than the usual time. It is not surprising that I could not process the reservation. From the time I originally chose the flight until the time I was ready to pay the flight was no longer available.

She said this was not a "Rewards" problem and she would transfer me back to the travel department. I was starting to sweat. I could feel my blood pressure increasing (another problem I have been concerned about lately, although I don't want to get into it.)

I then spoke to another women in the travel department. I explained the situation to her. I asked , "How can you use your points when it requires completing so much information,
that you should already have? And, if you don't do it quickly enough, you lose the reservation?"

She said, "I'll help you.

I said, "Great, can you book the reservation for me?"

She said, "That will be another $50.00 per ticket if I book it."

I said, "Then how will you help me."

She said she'll stay on the line with me while I go through the process on the Internet.

I said, "But that will take longer than actually booking the ticket yourself."

She said, "Company policy."

The sweat was poring off me, literally.

Finally, she went through the process with me. It took at least ten minutes of what felt like constant torment. Once again when I tried to pay, the reservation could not be completed. She then asked me to hold and said she wanted to talk to her manager. After waiting for a couple of minutes I pressed the "complete transaction" on the open window that had previously rejected the reservation. This time, for some reason, it worked, and the reservation was finalized. When she came back I told her this. I told her that the reservation was made and that I had received a confirmation. She said she couldn't understand this. This began another process of further conversation and torture to determine whether the reservation was real.

I will spare you the details of the next fifteen minutes. Finally, it all worked out. It took a lot out of me. After a while I was beginning to relax until I read on the Internet that a plane had mysteriously disappeared over the Atlantic.

There is a positive ending to this story. When I called my parents to tell them we were coming, they were thrilled. My mother said, "This is the best news I've had all year." It made me feel good.

Adventures in Self-Awareness

I just had a little fight with my wife. On my walk this morning while I was thinking about my blog I accidentally stepped into a bucket of wet cement outside the library. Fortunately there was an older woman who observed me and was able to help me out before I fell down. She also suggested that I immediately rinse my shoes off before the cement hardened if I wanted to save my shoes. I probably wouldn't have thought of that but I like these shoes. I wear them every day.

I went into the library, returned two overdue books (which aggravates my wife to begin with since we are on a tight budget) and then went directly into the bathroom. I rinsed off my shoes completely. Surprisingly I made a little mess while doing this. There was water, drying cement, and dirt on the sink and a little got on the floor.

While I was doing this the janitor came into the bathroom. He looked at me. The water was running a little harder than it should have been creating more splash than probably was necessary. My shoes were off and I was cleaning them with a paper towel. There was a pile of dirty paper towels nearby. One had accidentally fell on the floor.

He said to me, "You really made a mess here." Don't you know this is a public place. You shouldn't be cleaning your shoes here."

I responded a little weakly trying to explain to him about the bucket of cement and the fact that I needed to clean my shoes quickly before the cement dried.

He said, "I think you should leave."

I asked if it would be OK if it took out a book or two.

He said, "Maybe you should come back another day."

I said, "OK" and left.

When I got home I told my wife this story and she got upset with me. She feels I continually embarass myself and should be a little more aware of what I am doing. She was in a little bit of bad mood anyway since she was in the middle of filling out some complicated insurance forms. She hates doing this type of stuff. She needed our 2008 taxes to include with the forms. I told her they were downstairs. She went downstairs, got them, and used the information from these taxes to complete the forms.

After a few minutes, I heard her yell "Fuck".

I said, "What's the matter?"

She said she just noticed that she had copied information on the form from our 2007 taxes, not our 2008 taxes. The 2008 taxes were right below the 2007 taxes. She had ruined the forms and now was faced with the task of finding new forms and filling them out from scratch. She immediately blamed me saying that I was disorganized.

"Who puts the 2007 taxes on top of the 2008." she said.

I replied, "You should have looked at the dates before you copied the information." You are just as unaware as I am except in a different way. I stepped in cement and was not paying attention. You copied information from the wrong forms because you were not paying attention. What's the difference?"

"There is a big difference", she said. "You are constantly doing shit like this. '

I started to write this blog to make the point that we all are unaware in our own way and that we see very easily the way others are unaware but not the way we are unaware ourselves. Now that I have completed it though I must admit that my real motivation was to take the pressure off myself and calm my wife down. I think I'm going to have to take her out to dinner.

Ryan's Christening and Ethical Dilemmas

I just got home from my grandson's christening. It was my first christening. Being Jewish I guess this is not unusual. Overall I thought it was a positive experience. Obviously the star was Ryan who after establishing a reputation during his brief life for crying toughed it out and in a period of one and half hours did not cry at all. It made me wonder about the existence of the holy spirit who the priest referenced more than once as being an intimate part of the ceremony.

After leaving the church I called my mother in California. I told her I was leaving church after attending Baby Ryan's christening. Her first response was something about Christmas. I repeated again that I was at a christening. Her next response had to do with something about food. I repeated it twice more and could not get her to either hear or understand.

I finally said, "I was at a baptism in a Catholic Church."

Her immediate response was, "Did they discuss abortion."

I said, "Ma this had nothing to do with abortion."

She said, "I thought you said you were at a Catholic church."

I said, "They didn't discuss abortion. It was a ceremony for Baby Ryan."

She said, "Aren't the Catholics against abortion."

I said, "How are you feeling?"

She then said, "Don't ask, I don't want to upset you, but I had a terrible night?

I said, "What are you doing now?"

She said , "Waiting for Obama to speak. He's going to speak about abortion."

I quickly changed the subject, not because I have any opinion one way or the other, but because it's a little to complicated a subject to discuss with my ninety year old mother who can't hear or understand over the phone.

The abortion question is a tricky one. I am against abortions in general but cannot say for sure that it is against any universal laws so I am pro-choice. One of the more interesting points regarding abortion was one I learned from reading the book "Freakonomics." The author, a well respected economist, basic premise is that we oftentimes misinterpret facts and that in many cases things are not the way they seem to be. Right up my alley. He cites the case of the declining crime rate in New York City. Many people believed this was because of actions of Mayor Giuliani and a general tightening by the police of their vigilance against minor crimes and minor criminals.

After studying the statistics carefully the author's conclusion is that the lower crime rate can be directly attributed to the legalization of abortion. Prior to this, the rich could easily have abortions while the poor unwed mother from the ghetto was forced to have her baby and bring it up in conditions of poverty without any father. Many kids from this type of background ended up as criminals. By lowering the incidence of these births through abortion there was a corresponding decrease in the crime rate.

This issue is one of a few including legalization of internet gambling and legalization of marijuana that is in the news right now. When you listen to arguments about these issues both sides are passionate and make many good points that are hard to refute. I listened to a debate about the legalization of internet gambling the other night. The first gentlemen was in favor of internet gambling. He believed that its popularity was growing tremendously anyway and that legalization would help generate greatly needed tax revenues. I could not agree more.

The second gentlemen said that internet gambling was creating a level of addiction that was greater than had been seen with any previous type of gambling. The ease of having gambling right at your fingertips twenty-four hours a day was proving to be almost irresistible to those with gambling tendencies. I could not agree more.

Obama said today in regard to abortion that we must keep the dialogue open. We need to respect each other's opinions and try to find some ground for compromise, although he acknowledged that there was a fundamental disagreement between both sides. That sounds good but doesn't lead to any solution.

In my mind there is no solution to these issues. The focus about these matters of personal morality and ethics needs to be changed. We cannot change behavior through legislation or through conversation. It has not not worked for thousands of years and does not seem to be working now. What has worked is that our civilization has progressed in a natural way. It is less barbaric and brutal than it once was, although there are those who will argue this point and I must acknowledge that we still have a long way to go.

We spend too much time, energy, and money, focusing on issues that may be interesting but are not clear cut or important, In my opinion it comes down to each of us working on our own personal development and having productive days. There is big change coming. The world that Ryan will be living in when he is thirty, thirty years from now, will be almost unrecognizable to the one that we live in today. The issues that we deem important now will seem petty then. We need to prepare him as best we can, although I have the feeling that he will do it himself.

A Sad Day

I just learned tonight that my cousin's thirty year old daughter died. She went to the doctor a few days ago with a headache. They did a scan of her brain and found a giant inoperable tumor. She was put on life support for a day and then the plug was pulled. She leaves behind two kids, eight and two.

I feel bad writing about this but I can't think of anything more important or meaningful. It seems that if I wrote about anything else, I'd be insincere. What makes the story interesting and more sad is that her mother, my cousin has AIDS. She has had full blow AIDS since 1981, has had a number of near death experiences, but has survived and thrived for the most part for all these years. Two of her children now have died. I can't imagine how difficult that must be.

My cousin, the one with AIDS, is the daughter of my first cousin, the one who called me last week with the tip on the horse. The horse lost. I lost a couple of hundred dollars--obviously insignificant when you compare this to the loss of my second cousin.

The stock market was down almost two hundred ninety points today. Billions of dollars lost. I'm sure it caused more collective aggravation than almost anything else that happened today. My cousins, I'm sure couldn't care less.

It is getting hard for me to get away from this theme of loss. Once you start in a certain direction a momentum builds and it is difficult to reverse. I did hear a good joke today but it would be inappropriate, I think, to share it and it doesn't seem very funny right now. There are times, more than we acknowledge, when there is not much to say. I would like to point out some meaningful insight or positive lesson that we might gain from this young girl's death. I can't think of one, though. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Waiting for Kilderry

My cousin Marvin called me today with a tip on a horse race: Kilderry in the fifth race at Santa Anita. Usually these tips don't pan out, but Marvin called me last year with one which went off at 10-1 and won easily. I won over five hundred bucks. Since there is three hours difference between here and California the race won't go off until six o'clock. I'll head out to the Borgata around five. During that time I'll probably speak to my friends Marty and Campy three or four times to hear their thoughts about the best way to bet this horse. There is an incredible amount of options in addition to the traditional Win, Place, and Show. There are the exotic bets including exactas, trifectas, superfectas, rolling doubles, and pick threes which make the process of betting a little more complicated these days.

I'm writing about thos now for a few reasons. If the horse wins I will have written documentation that I had the winner before the race. Also, I have been writing about a lot of philosophical and speculative ideas. Gambling is much more concrete. Either you win or lose. In a world where most things are unclear one needs a straightforward activity. Finally, gambling, especially horse racing, brings me back to my youth.

I lived fifteen minutes from Aqueduct Race Track. During the racing season, starting when I was fifteen (I think the legal age was eighteen) I hitchhiked to the track at least twice a week. I usually went with ten or twenty dollars. I remember how excited I was, the thrill of walking into the grandstand, eyeing the track. It was awe inspiring. And most importantly, there was always the chance of making a hit.

Aqueduct

I did make a few hits. One time, I won over a hundred dollars. It was the first time in my life that I had a hundred dollar bill. I think it was the first time I ever saw a hundred dollar bill. I folded it in my wallet in a certain way that made it look like a thousand dollar bill. I showed the folded bill to my mother; she almost had a heart attack. When I told her that I had won it at the race track she panicked even more. She immediately thought that I needed to go to a psychiatrist. This was her response every time I did something she didn't understand.

After calming down she called my Uncle Dave. Uncle Dave was a legend in our family. He was one of the original founders of Gamblers Anonymous. Everytime my mother worried that I was becoming a compulsive gambler she brought up how Uncle Dave how ruined his life gambling, lost his first wife, and alienated his children. Uncle Dave had an experience which changed his life and made him give up gambling forever. He had gone to the race track every day for thirty-seven consecutive years. He followed the ponies around the country going to Florida in the winter and Saratoga in the summer. One evening after an especially tough losing day he was eating a spaghetti dinner in an Italian restaurant in Saratoga with some of his fellow gamblers.

One of them looked at him and said, "Dave all you have to do is drive the get-away car, we'll handle everything else."

Upon hearing this Dave said he became sick; he realized how low he had sunk and how miserable his life was. He stood up and pulled the table cloth off the table spilling the spaghetti all over everyone and walked out of the restaurant. He never gambled again; with a few other guys, he founded Gamblers Anonymous based upon the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. He spent the last days of his life crusading against gambling.

This story was always interesting to me. It never affected my attitude towards gambling, though. I have always enjoyed gambling and probably always will. My main concern right now is Kilderry at Santa Anita. Wish me luck.

My Daughter and Economic Theory

Every time my daughter calls I expect it's going to cost me some money. For years I never said no to anything she requested. I told her though that when she calls me she should get to the money part first and skip the niceties . I also told her never to use the word "loan" when discussing our financial arrangements.

Some of my friends thought that I was a pushover, that I should cut her off. I didn't think so then, and I don't think so now. I believe that you should help your kids as much as you can. I don't believe you spoil your children by giving them too much. It's more complicated. I don't think that having no money makes you value money more. I also don't think that giving people things for free causes them to be less motivated to work.

I don't think that work is necessarily a valuable or productive way to spend your time. Matter of fact, God punished Adam in the Garden of Eden by requiring him to give up his life of leisure and work for his sustenance. So work, from a biblical point of view, is a punishment It's not a great thing, though, no matter how you look at it, especially if you don't like your job. An important question to ask yourself is "What would I be doing if I didn't have to work?" The whole concept of the "work ethic" and the nobility of putting in an honest days work are, in my opinion, part of the brainwashing that have been promoted so that we will work whether we want to or not.

I am noticing lately that there has been a lot of talk on TV, radio, and internet about the relative merits of capitalism vs. socialism. Capitalism refers to a system in which the means of production are controlled by individuals with the goal being profit. Socialism refers to a system where a group or government controls the means of production and profits are shared or given to the people for their benefit.

It seems to me that in our world today, there are no pure capitalist or socialist countries. The distinction between these two economic theories have become blurred. They probably were never, in their purest form, realistic ways to run a society. In order to determine how our financial system can function in the best way, we need to by-pass outdated labels and look more deeply into what is most practical and will create the best possible world.

Those who are motivated to work to make more or get more should absolutely be allowed to do so. We should encourage everyone who wants to have their own business and earn a profit to do so. But everyone in our society should have, without working, a house fully furnished with all appliances including TV, computer, food , clothing, health care, and a vehicle to get around. If everyone in the world could be given these basics a lot of our problems would be over.

This is not an unrealistic goal. A few advances in robotic technology and discoveries of new sources of energy can combine to enable us to produce all the stuff we need for these basics without much manpower. Everyone then would have the opportunity to use their time in ways that would make them happy. Isn't this what we are all striving for? This would not be socialism. It doesn't matter what you call it anyway. This will happen, if we survive as a species, at some point in the twenty-first century. Then, our biggest problem will be to determine how should we spend our time. I see nothing wrong with this.

Update on my Father

Since my last blog my father sank into Code Blue. I don't know what that means and I didn't Google it, but when my sister reported it to me from the Emergency Room in the hospital, it didn't sound good. Matter of fact, I immediately went on-line to make plane reservations so I could leave immediately for California to be with my sister and mother.

That was yesterday. Today my father called me from the hospital to tell me he was OK. He was completely coherent and very matter of fact when he explained to me that he had felt a little weak yesterday before his caretaker had taken him to the hospital. He was feeling a lot better today. Amazingly, once again he had escaped death. His heart actually had stopped. His kidneys failed but he survived. They operated on him last night, replaced the battery in his pacemaker, and are now monitoring his recovery.

I don't know what to think or even what to feel. I am a little confused about what actually happened and am still concerned that the situation could worsen again, although things do seem a lot better. In talking to my sister I am not confident in the doctors. She does not believe that they really understand my father's condition or that they handled the situation in the best way. However, my father is still alive. Is it a result of modern medical magic or my father's unique attitude and will to live? Is it a combination of both?

Life and death are very mysterious. There are forces at work that we don't understand. There is a scientific way to look at things. There is a religious, spiritual way, and probably many ways in between. It seems to me that we need to continue to move forward on the scientific front to discover and develop everything we can to improve the quality and longevity of our lives. At the same time we need to be open to the existence of a spiritual reality and its intersection and influence on our physical lives.

Concern about my Dad

My sister just called me. Whenever she calls my heart races a little. She lives close by to my parents and has been responsible for their care. My parents are 89 and 96 years old and have had some health problems--needless to say, I always worry my sister is calling with bad news. Today she told me that my father was in the emergency room. His heart rate had slowed to thirty two beats a minute; he was going to have to have surgery to replace his pacemaker. She was concerned and wanted me to share this concern with her.

I never appreciated my father until he was eighty years old. I always loved him and saw that he was a good person, but I felt that he was a little close-minded and narrow in his view of life. It seemed to me that he judged people based on two criteria: net worth and political leaning. His description after meeting someone might be "he is worth a lot of money but I think he is a Republican." There was nothing worse to him than a Republican, except maybe a Nazi, but they were close.

I came to see that my father actually was a special person. First of all he loves my mother dearly. They have been married for sixty-seven years. They were both virgins when they got married and I am sure they have been faithful to each other. By itself this is an impressive achievement.

Second, he was never stopped working on himself. One of his main beliefs is to do something each day to improve himself. When I was young he would come home from working in the post office after riding on the subway for over two hours (which I swore I would never do) and spend the evening studying vocabulary development or spelling books. No reason for this except he believed in constantly learning and growing.

He also studied history and philosophy. One of his heroes was Arnold Bennett who wrote a book about How to Live Each Day. My dad would quote from the book and it would immediately cause a rebellion within me. It was only later after I had found a system , the Fourth Way, that I believed offered the most sensible and clear description of life and tried to introduce it to my father that I came to realize that Arnold Bennett teachings were very similar to the Fourth Way. My father through an entirely different path had come to the same place that I had. This was very eye-opening to me.

It wasn't that I grew to respect my father because he had come to believe some of the same things that I did. I saw that in his own way he was seeking the truth and trying to become a better person. These are good things, really good things, and everyone would be better off if they lived with these two goals.

Although my father looked up to rich people and saw them somehow as being superior, he achieved a financial success in his own right. He retired from the Post Office after 30 years and a second time after 10 years as a medical stenographer. This enabled him to get two pensions and social security that have allowed him and my mother to live comfortably for over thirty years.

I am waiting nervously now for my sister to get back to me with an update on my father's condition. I have been preparing myself for the worst for the last few years during which time he has had a heart attack, a couple of strokes, and brain surgery. Amazingly he has pulled through each time and continued to work on himself.

One of his main goals now is to be able to walk by himself up and down the hall outside the door of his assisted living facility. He takes exercise classes everyday. On a recent visit to his doctor, he asked the doctor why he was so tired. The doctor responded that this was not unusual for a 96 year old man. My father wanted a second opinion.

I have asked myself many times over these past years if I have any unfinished business with my father. Is there anything I have wanted to tell him that I haven't? I don't think there is. He knows I love him and I know he loves me. I hope he is OK, but whatever happens he will continue to be an inspiration to me and my family and to everyone who has come to know him. You can't ask for much more than that.

Grandchildren and Monsters

My grandchildren spent most of the weekend here in Brigantine. I'm exhausted. Their favorite game is monster and I am the monster. It takes a lot of energy to be the monster. It takes a lot to be the victims of the monster, too. My grandchildren have the energy; that's their strength. My strength is my ability to make a fool of myself without regard to how I appear. I've always had this strength. It's one of the reasons I'm a good salesperson. I have never been too concerned with people's opinion of me.

People who don't know me mistake my lack of concern for my appearance for not caring about myself or other people. I don't think that's the reason. My priorities are different. I do care about myself and others; I'm just more interested in what's inside. This might sound like an excuse for laziness, and maybe it is, but it's hard to be good at everything.

My three year old granddaughter cried for two hours because she did not want to change her dress. She didn't think she would be pretty enough in her new dress. I finally got her to stop by acting totally crazy. I brought her up to my bedroom. We pretended that my bed was a boat and that you were safe when you were on the boat; if you walked on the floor you might get eaten or bitten by the monster . When the monster bit you you went crazy until someone touched you. She continued crying hysterically.

I started to yell and scream and run around the room flailing my arms, jerking my body in all directions, and making the most bizarre and distorted faces. It was a contest: Would I be able to keep it up long enough to penetrate her mood or would she continue crying until I passed out from exhaustion? After a few minutes or maybe ninety seconds, she could not control herself any more. She started to laugh and jump on the bed.

My willingness to be out of control without regard to how I was acting overcame her wanting to look pretty or her desire to get her way. There is a big lesson here, someplace. I have been trying to teach this lesson for years. It's a tough one to accept for those of us who pride ourselves on being polite and politically correct. I don't think that either of these two attitudes produce good results. I can understand if you disagree with this and I wouldn't argue strongly about my point of view. I wonder whether those of you who disagree with me can see my point of view.

Accident or Wake Up Call

I was 24 years old. I was married with a three year old son. I was totally broke. My wife and I were living with her grandmother in Columbia, Pa. We had just returned from a four month adventure during which we had traveled across the country to California to visit my parents and then up the Pacific coast to Vancouver, B.C. We thought we would live in Canada and start a new life for ourselves. When we got to the border they would not let us into the country. It seemed my hair was too long and they viewed us as hippies escaping from America who could bring nothing positive to Canada.

We traveled back to Chicago. We split up there. My wife and son went back East. I went to California to see if I could make a little money. I was there for about six weeks and worked three or four different jobs including selling Fuller Brushes, pots and pans, and dating services. I couldn't make any money and missed my family so I came back to Pennsylvania to Grandma's house.

As payment for rent Grandma gave me some chores. I had never done any chores growing up in the projects of Brooklyn to a doting Jewish mother who required nothing of me.
Grandma made me mow the lawn. It was the size of a large postage stamp but I was proud of being able to do it. I was growing up and needed to learn these things. Even though I was married I had never taken work or responsibility seriously. My mind was on philosophy and religion and what I considered to be more important things.

I desperately needed a job. I applied for thirty-nine jobs in a two month period and was rejected for every one. I was either over qualified or under qualified or second best or something else was wrong with me. I didn't know what to do. Finally I was hired by Combined Insurance Company to sell accident and health insurance to businesses door to door. They hired anyone who breathed and they promised me fifteen dollars a day for food money during a weeks training session. I figured I could get by on five or six and send the rest back to my wife.

The training was an interesting experience. I roomed with a mormon who told me he had tried every religion and teaching until he had finally found the one true religion in Mormonism. This set the stage for my later inquiry into the Mormon religion.

I also met a full blooded American Indian who could out fight, out fuck, and out sell any man he met, or so he said. He was a gentle soul actually and introduced me to spiritualism. He was a true believer in our ability to communicate with the dead and his wife was a medium who had been Cleopatra in a previous life. I took him seriously and spent five eventful years investigating the Spiritualist religion. That's a long story for another blog or two.

On the business front the week was devoted to memorizing a presentation, word for word, intonation for intonation. Everything had to be said exactly as they taught ,if we were to qualify to sell their insurance. We also learned the philosophy of W. Clement Stone the founder of the company and one of the earliest sales and motivational thinkers. His basic philosophy was that success consisted of three elements. 1- activity knowledge 2-know-how through experience and 3-PMA or positive mental attitude. We could all make millions like he did by applying these principles.

After a week of intense brainwashing and motivation I was psyched to get out and sell. I was also deeply depressed that my life had come to this point. My first assignment was in northwestern Pa., in a small town called Warren. It was the middle of winter. I had to drive there with Benny, my spiritualist Indian friend, in my volkwagon on a Sunday, in a blizzard, to begin my first day of work on Monday.

We were told that a sales manager would be sent from the home office to work with us on our first day and that we would receive the commission from whatever was sold. It could amount to a couple of hundred dollars. I needed the money. My sales manager, however, did not arrive until late in the day on Monday. I was a little discouraged as we did not hit the road until it was dark. On our way to our first presentation my volkswagon was broadsided. I woke up in the hospital with an anesthesiologist staring down at me. He had a kind face and told me that I would live. I had my spleen removed, kidney damage, and some other internal injuries. I spent three weeks in the hospital, most of it in intensive care. This was a turning point in my life. I realized that I could not let myself get into this situation again. This was not an accident. It was a wake up call. I had to now consider what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

Communication Problems

Since I can remember I have been attracted to philosophy and understanding the world. I have never been very good with my hands or with anything that has to do with mechanical work. I also grew up in a household in which business was never discussed and the only conversations about money were arguments between my father and mother (about who should control the finances.) Each thought the family's financial situation would be improved if they were the one in charge. The problem, obviously was that they had no money. My father worked for the Post Office and my mother hardly worked at all. When she did work as a sales clerk at Martin's Department Store she ended spending more on travel, lunches, and shopping; she quit in order just reduce the extra expenses.

I never worried about money as a child and always thought I would make a lot. My initial goal was to be a lawyer. But, after getting married and having a child at twenty-one, I had to abandon my plans for law school and try to support my family. I worked in a number of sales positions. I worked for three insurance companies, sold chemicals, burglar alarms, dating services, fuller-brush, and cemetery property. I was always a good talker and was not afraid to speak to anyone. These traits enabled me to get commission sales jobs, to survive.

Only after I started working in the consulting business for a company started by a New Yorker who had moved to Lancaster was I able to combine my interest in ideas with my need to make money. (By the way, the guy who started this company was the one who threatened to kill me as I mentioned in my last blog.)

Consulting especially marketing consulting allowed me to consider what influenced peoples' actions and how to present ideas in a powerful way. What I came to see after years of studying these questions and working with hundreds of clients was that an important element in business success, maybe the most important, was the ability to see things clearly and to express what you see in a clear and direct way.

Whenever I am confronted with a situation that requires strategic thinking or one in which I am dealing with people who are hostile to me or my ideas my first thought is to determine what is the truth that I want to express. I then consider what is the best way to communicate this truth. Oftentimes what happens is that I don't express my thought or idea in the most diplomatic or gentle way. I then need to scramble to explain myself, to dig myself out of the hole I have created by my directness. It helps me to have a partner in these moments who knows me, who can say "what Ira meant by that was" and then soften my words, or express them so that they will be more easily accepted.

The reason I am writing this blog is that I just was eliminated from a deal that I had been working on for fifteen months and invested thousands of dollars. My partner and I received the following e-mail ending the relationship:

This is a final notice that we will not be moving forward with our joint venture. After N. and Ira spoke in private I questioned her to find out what was discussed and learned that Ira was completely out of line and disrespectful to me and the organization. There is no possible way that I can work with Ira on a team especially now that I do not trust him at all. Completely unprofessional and for that reason, we are finished working with him. If you have any questions about what was said, feel free to direct them to Ira.

B.

President

Based on this e-mail my partner believes I cost us the deal and he wants to end our partnership. In my mind I said nothing in the meeting to justify this type of reaction. What I know is that I don't disrespect B. or his organization and that my intent was only to communicate with N my concerns about B's lack of experience. I also stated that since their business had declined fifty percent they needed this deal to help secure their future.

These types of miscommunications and overreactions happen all the time in business, in families, and in international relations. It is unfortunate that oftentimes good relationships are ruined because of minor issues. However I need to look at this in the right way. First of all I can't get too upset with myself, my partner, or the executives in this company. Secondly I need to recognize that after forty years of trying to be a better communicator I still have a lot to learn. I am not going to give up.

Starting with our children

I just spoke to my son, Seth, and my daughter, Katie. Children are a great pleasure in life, although, obviously they also provide challenges that can be difficult. Observing my children, I try to see how their childhoods impacted them; and I wonder how they might overcome certain patterns of thought and feeling imbedded in them by the unique circumstances of childhood.

As I write I'm reminded of L Ron Hubbard who speaks of clearing ourselves of the engrams which are programmed in our being and bodies by our life experiences. The process of dianetics and the religion of scientology is devoted to accomplishing this. Although I am not a student of scientology, it does seem that a fundamental idea of all spiritual, psychological, and religious teachings is this idea of cleansing, of giving up the past, of moving on, of being "born again," of letting go of those ways in which we have been programmed.

I think it's important not to judge our children or be disappointed with them. What is valuable is to continue to nurture, to see your children as clearly as possible, to help them with the difficult task of freeing themselves from the negative influences that have impacted them.

Each child is different and needs a different type of help. Some require space, others require a direct intervention. I don't feel it is appropriate for me to give others advice on what to do with their children. I do believe that we should not give up on them and that we should continue to improve our ability to see them clealry.

We are moving into a time and a world in which families are going to need to stick together, to work together, and to support each other more than ever. For many years we have been moving in the opposite direction. Families have become splintered, separated, and isolated from each other. Petty arguments and judgments have resulted in avoidance and disconnection.

We can't afford, financially and emotionally, to continue in these ways. We must learn to get along first with our families, and then move on from there to get along with each other. We must break down the barriers that separate us: religion, race, geography, political views, gender, and all the other imaginary ways that we classify and stereotype each other. This may seem a little idealistic, but the stakes are high, and the consequences are serious. We need to make progress each day in little ways until we reach the threshold where we will be creating a new world. We can start with our parents and children.

My granddaughter's birthday

Tomorrow I'm going to my granddaughters fifth birthday. I remember when I was five, 1951. In 2066, she'll be my age. How has the world changed in these 58 years. Fundamentally, not much. Yes, there have been technological advances which have expanded our communication capabilities and access to information. Our average life span has increased slightly. I'm not sure that our overall health is much better.

We work five days a week, come home at night and hang out at home watching TV or surfing the internet. On weekends we eat out or visit friends and family. We still root for out favorite sports teams, read best sellers, and follow the lives of the popular entertainers. There has been very little improvement in transportation. Cars still don't go much faster than sixty or seventy miles per hour. Planes are still annoying, uncomfortable and slow. Its ridiculous that it still takes five hours to get to California.

You can make a case, if you want, that there has been significant change. You can point to the globalization of our economy, the fall of the "Iron Curtain," the end of the "Cold War." But so what? War is still a problem. We haven't learned how to get along with each other. Yes, we have made significant medical advances treating cancer, heart disease and mental illness. Not enough so we don't worry about these annoying conditions. What is significant, though, is that our internal states, how we are when we are by ourselves, has not changed very much.

What will the world be like when Emily is 62 I'm hopeful. First of all, the rate of change is accelerating. I believe life on planet Earth will be unrecognizable in 2066. Obviously, we need to get through the next few years without destroying ourselves. If we do ...

New sources of energy and advanced technology will enable the basic necessities, food, clothing, shelter, car, computer, and tv to be supplied to every person without very much work required.

Slowing of cellular aging and cloning of body parts will enable us to live indefinitely. I believe the average life span will be over 120 years, and could be much higher, possibly 1000.

Advances in theoretical physics will open up the universe to travel, exploration and colonization.

The big question will be what to do with our time. What if we live healthfully for hundreds of years? What if we don't need to work to meet our basic necessities? Much more attention will need to be given to our internal states, how we are when we are with ourselves (which is all the time). Education will have to change.

Obviously we have a lot of work to do. I think we should start today.

Chaos Rules

My eighty-nine year old mother, Frances, just called to complain that she felt helpless to help my ninety-seven year old father, Maury. She felt she was alone and that she had nowhere to turn. She wanted to speak to her only son because "who else did she have?" Meanwhile, my sister is taking care of everything and my mother has twenty-four hour a day help for her and my father.

Simultaneously, I received a call back from a business associate who had not shown up for a meeting with me yesterday. I had driven an hour and a half to meet with him. He did not mention or apologize for not calling or showing up. He just wanted to set up another meeting. Since I was on the other line with my crying mother I didn't confront him about this. I will though.

My wife this morning was speaking to her lawyer brother about a big problem that is troubling her. It seems the Social Security Agency claim they sent her $69,000 in benefits over five years and she has NOT received one penny. Plus, she has a letter from the local Security Agency stating that she did not receive any money.

While writing this blog, my son Scott called. He he is a lawyer. He told me he was a little concerned about the shooting death of a 51 year old lawyer in the parking lot outside his office. It seems that a man in a ski mask jumped out of the car and put one bullet in the back of his head and then drove away.

I could go on. I hope you're getting the picture. Chaos rules. Truth, reality, and common sense are in short supply. We need some warriors now--people willing to fight for the truth, for reason, to bring sanity back into the world. We have enough wimps--people whose only concern is their own personal comfort and happiness.

Check out "The Trap" and "Century of Self," two documentaries that portray a viewpoint about how our society has evolved in the last hundred years. Very provocative stuff.